It's getting a little better...

Quarter one is over, quarter two has begun, and slowly but surely I'm getting more and more on top of my role as a geometry and pre-calculus teacher. I ended quarter one by making a list of all the things I feel pressured to do; I slashed through some that I decided were not important enough to stress over, I prioritized the rest, and I am allowing myself to be (gasp) less than perfect. This has significantly lessened my stress level. I've been able to avoid bringing work home lately, and I've even been able to leave work by 5:00 pm every day for the past week - sometimes earlier! I'm getting into my groove and firming up a routine that is successfully keeping my head above water. And that means I'm going to school every morning without that awful knot in my stomach. I still struggle with anxiety, but it's lessening somewhat.

But it's amazing how reality never matches up to what I imagine things to be beforehand, and the same holds true for teaching high school math. I imagined I would have the energy and creativity to make lessons exciting and fun every day; instead, I hardly have energy to make it through the day doing the bare minimum. I imagined I would be able to develop meaningful relationships with my students; instead, my daily responsibilities keep me so busy that I feel too rushed to even think about getting to know my students very well. I imagined that being in front of groups of students every day would be an invigorating and fulfilling outlet for my expressive personality; instead, I find myself drained at being forced to do this every day, and some days I wish I could just hide at my desk. I imagined that I was on board with the new ideologies that are taking over education; instead, I realize now that I heartily disagree with many of these changes. I imagined that I wouldn't mind letting my evenings be consumed by grading papers and such; instead, I realize that if my job defines my life then my life is out of balance, and my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health suffers. I imagined that doing math all day every day would be tolerable; instead, I am kind of getting sick of math.

And I am trying not to think about whether or not I will continue teaching after this year. My present goal is to make it through quarter two. Thank God Thanksgiving break is just around the corner!