Hmm.

I'm feeling a little down today. Life has really changed for me over the last few years - well, starting back in the mid-.... how would you say that? Mid-naughts? Mid-2000s? Mid-00s? Anyway, since I left for China in 2004, I have felt..... less popular, I guess. Before I went to China, I was involved in a large, active singles community at a large, active church. I had lots of friends and a few good, close ones. Before that I was part of an intimate fellowship of believers; I was the only single woman there, but fellowship there was wonderfully rich. Since I went to China, it feels like little by little it's like I've become less and less popular. That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed good fellowship since then (I really miss the VMI Chapel ladies where we had really awesome fellowship) but now that I'm married, I have hardly any friends at all - nearby ones, that is. It kind of stinks.

For example, Jeff and I threw -- well, tried to throw -- a New Years Eve party this past year. One person said he could come; everyone else declined. So we had to cancel. That gave me an awful, disappointed, sinking feeling in my stomach.

Now I'm trying to throw a Norwex Party... It's just a little product party, and honestly I'm just trying to get a few ladies together and have fun and let them know about Norwex because it really is neat stuff. I'm not trying to get lots of free product for myself. That would be nice, but I can just buy them if I wasn't having a party. I honestly just thought it would be fun to have a party and introduce people to Norwex.

I sent the invitation out a few days ago, and so far 16 people have replied. Not one person is coming. It's not like I blame them. Most of them are busy. Some of them don't like product parties. (I definitely don't blame them, because I usually don't either.) Some of them aren't more than acquaintances from church, or neighbors I hardly ever talk to, or whatever. But it's just that much more of a stark reminder that I don't have close friends close by. It's kind of depressing.

Jeff says that's what happens when you get married. Single women have lots of friends, but as soon as you get married, your priorities change and you don't have as much of a social life as you had before you were married. Well, I know that's true, but I still want to be in a community. I don't really have that at my church, whereas the churches I've been in before have had that wonderful and loving sense of community. That's not to say that St. Peter's doesn't have a loving community, because it does... But... for some reason I don't feel a part of it. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's because it's Episcopal and I'm afraid that I'm too different to really, truly fit in.

Since Jeff and I are moving soon (hopefully!), I'm going to pray that the next church we find would give me the sense of community and belongingness that I long for. The kind of belongingness where you just can't seem to get out the door because there are too many people you want to hug and chat with. (I miss you Nancy... Bernadette... Crissy... Cassandre... Christy... Sarah... Kelli... Julia... not to mention my mom and sisters... and I could go on....)

*sigh*

To avoid sounding too pathetic, I do get together with Mary (and Gray!) every now and then. And every Tuesday I meet with Laurie who is another step mom of kids whose mom died. The two of us are like a mini support group (which is something we both really need because step-motherhood is not for sissies). And I do like sitting here in the sunroom with my husband, rocking on our wicker rocking chairs and listening to the steady, gentle rain as darkness settles over our little part of the world.

another *sigh*